AN: Again, no beta, not proofread, and not quite as happy as I want to be with this but...I won't have the time after today to write or even tweak anymore so I figured I might as well pos it now.
This is it. Don't think there'd be a part 3.
Enjoy. And again, thanks for the lovely comments. :)
(And feel free to let me know even if you hate it. Really. )
Today, the day after yesterday's little scene with Dianna, proves to be the hardest.
Torn between wanting to go to her and try again or heed her request and leave her alone.
It doesn't help that her eyes reflect just a little less steel. They never manage to find my own but still, the hardness of her glare has dissipated somewhat. Or maybe I'm imagining it.
And her frame...it doesn't quite stiffen as it used to whenever I come to within 20 feet of her.
Her fists, they don't clench into tight white-knuckled balls everytime we're in a scene together.
I have to fight to keep myself from taking them as signs of her wavering.
False hopes I just can't afford right now. I'm tethering right near the edge and one false hope just might send me over.
But I notice. I can't help it.
I notice all those things.
Because she's practically all I see.
All I hear.
All I feel.
I'm lost in my Dianna world.
As much as I'm not in it, I'm lost within it.
Try to make sense of it and you can't.
Because nothing makes sense.
This morning, I almost called Jane, my agent, to tell her I'm quitting the show. That was after the 6th, maybe 7th, time I'd woken up from a generous 20 minutes of sleep.
The pain had been too much, and it had been from merely thinking about her.
The thought of actually sharing the same space with her had been daunting. Even far more terrifying than the first time I've had to audition for a part.
I didn't think my heart could bear any more crushing.
So I entertained the thought of quitting.
Soon after which I entertained another thought - that of never getting to at least see her agian. Or hear her again. Her voice, even her breaths, her footsteps.
All it took was that and previous thought was promptly buried.
I didn't think I would survive not seeing her at least, painful as it is.
I know I wouldn't.
So here I am in my trailer, finally getting a break from being in scene after scene with her. I managed to lower myself down on this chair right by my door. I couldn't even make myself walk the ten feet to my bed.
I'm tired. So very tired my bones feel liquid.
My eyelids feel heavy and they close, they do close. It's just my brain won't play its part in this process called sleep and shut down.
So I sit with my head in my hands. My head feels heavy. Oddly though, my hands seem numb to the weight.
All the weight I feel, I feel in my heart.
Her eyes may not reflect the same steel, she may not tense up as she has, her fists may not curl into tight balls as they used to but...she hasn't spared me a single glance either.
I feel invisible.
And it fucking hurts.
It fucking hurts to have gone from being practically the only thing she sees to being as I am now to her - invisible.
It fucking fucking hurts.
It fucking hurts and I can't even cry anymore.
Can't get her back.
How charmed is this life I'm living?
A sound outside my trailer interrupts my wayward thoughts. All I can summon is a muffled groan. I just don't think I can face anyone right now. The footsteps fade and I puff air out in relief, figuring it's probably Kevin headed to his trailer.
And then I hear music through the crack in my window. Again, I groan.
The last thing I want to hear right now is one of Kevin's uppity Mraz songs.
I muster enough strength to push off and walk toward the window, determined to shut the window and Kevin's music along with it.
When your mind's made up
When your mind's made up
There's no point trying to change it
The words drifting in to my trailer freeze my hand where it hovers over my window.
All I can think of is that someone must be fucking kidding me.
I manage to slam the window shut and, garnering momentum from this little joke, I practically run toward my bed, wishing those words away from my ears.
Only it's too late, the words already embedded in my brain and they keep repeating over and over again.
I chuckle. And it builds up to quiet laughter and before I know it I'm laughing full on.
I laugh at the irony of it.
I laugh at fate's sense of humor that has led me to this point.
I laugh and laugh and laugh.
I laugh until my breath hitches and I can't anymore.
I laugh until I cry.
And then I'm crying, heaving sobs I don't even have the strength to quiet.
And my tears push me to reach for my phone, that one previously buried thought resurrected.
Her mind's made up.
Dianna's mind is made up.
And there's no point trying to change it.
I am not the first one to have cheated on her, her scars run too deep to be erased. And I have not been perfect even before she had caught me kissing Theo. I had always been the one pushing to keep our relationship a secret. I had always been the one going along with the network's demands, disguised as requests, to avoid public displays of affection. I had been the one who had come up with the idea of bringing Theo as my "date" if I couldn't take Dianna.
I had even been the one to convince Dianna Theo would be the most sensible choice. The safest. I had never been attracted to him, I had told her quite convincingly.
And then he had kissed me.
And I had kissed back.
And Dianna had seen it.
There's just no point trying to change things.
I fall sideways onto my bed, phone clutched in my hand.
This time I'm sure about what I need to do.
Both for her and for me.
I'd be doing her a favor by leaving her alone. I owe it to her. It's the least I could do after hurthing her all this time.
After hurting her this one last time.
I have to make sure it would be the last time.
I dial Jane's number, no less distressed by what I'm about to do but all the more determined, spurred by the conviction that I'd be doing the right thing for her.
For her. It's all about her.
Jane picks up after one ring
"Lea, dear, how are you?" She asks right out, concern evident in her voice and it's all I can do to not promptly burst into tears again. She knows about everything that's happened and has tried to carefully toe the line between pleasing the network and not sacrificing my happiness.
"Jane...I want to quit."
I just spit it right out.
"What?" she gasps in reply. "Lea, honey, I know it's been hard for you b-"
"I don't care that it's been hard for me. I only care that it's been hard for her, Jane," I quickly interrupt her, feeling an odd sense of offense from Jane's words. "I can't keep doing this to her. I'm the coward, Jane. She's always been the one who's had to be strong and now she's...she's just broken. And I'm the reason for it." I can't stop. I don't even notice that my tears are back and the my voice has gone louder, practically screaming my words at Jane.
"But you can take a break, a vac-"
"I won't take a break, I won't take a vacation. I want to quit and for her to be rid of me! For her never to see me again," I say strongly. "It'd be the only right thing to do for her."
"For her? But what about you and your career, Lea?"
"I don't fucking care about my career anymore!"
And I realize I don't. I really don't. Not anymore.
My career that I have worked painfully hard at building all these years, I realize holds no value for me anymore.
"Honey, calm down, calm down. I'll be there and we'll talk about all this, ok..."
I hear Jane's voice vaguely. I hear her soothing, motherly voice and it only makes me cry harder.
"It's ok, Lea...it's ok. We'll figure this out...sshhh..."
"I'm so tired, Jane...so tired of pretending to be someone else and so tired of not talking to her...and not touching her...and not sleeping next to her...and not being able to touch her..."
"It's ok...it's ok, baby..."
Only one person calls me that.
I'm all lost in the drowning sounds of my despair I hadn't noticed the soothing voice no longer comes from my phone but from right next to my ear.
And then I feel arms wrap around me.
This time, I feel it.
The warmth is unmistakable.
The softness of the skin touching mine is unmistakable.
The weight of the body surrounding mine is unmistakable.
It could only be her.
And then I see her hand reaching toward mine and on instinct, I reach up for it, too.
But she doesn't take my hand. Instead her hand reaches for the forgotten device nestled in my palm.
And next I hear her voice, shaky and trembling, talking. Talking to someone but not me.
"Jane, it's Dianna...we'll uh, we'll call you later...yeah, I know...I heard...we'll...we'll figure it out...yes, I will...I'll take care of her...thank you."
Am I dreaming? My mind wonders, more than ready to wake up from this dream that's cruel in how it gives me a taste of what I can't have.
Of what I've lost.
But then I feel her warmth again.
I feel her weight return to settle on my back.
And I see her hand reaching for my hand again. I reach out again. And this time her fingers connect with mine, enveloping instead of intertwining.
And then I hear her.
Her beautiful melody of a voice in my ear.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not giving you a chance to explain. For overreacting."
I start to cry again.
Her apology stirs up tears in me. The sheer humility of her words doing nothing to assuage the guilt I'm still bathe with.
When I feel the soft whisper of her lips on my cheekbone, I lose it even more. My eyes bleed tears I had thought were all but gone from all the crying I've done.
I feel her soft kisses, mingled with repeated soothing sounds and her warm, sweet breath travel from bone to the soft flesh of my cheek, down to my jaw...and then my chin and back up to my ear, on my temple, random places only she knows of.
The last one settles on the corner of my mouth before her forehead rests on the side of my head.
One of her arms snake under my head in search of my other hand yet unclaimed. She finds it and this time, laces her fingers with mine, pulling both my arms and her surrounding ones tightly towards me, hugging me to me and her.
"I'm so sorry."
I don't think I could bear another apology from her.
I don't deserve one.
"Dianna, you shouldn't be s-"
"Shh. Let me finish," she interrupts before reaching down to the closest place her lips can reach, the side of my neck. "Ok?"
I'm not even sure what she's asking and yet I nod.
"I...after last night, after you came, I started thinking. It's the first time, after all this, that I started to think. All I've been doing these past several days...I've only been feeling. It's all I've let myself do. And hurt and anger...disappointment, it's all I've managed to feel. And then last night, after you said what you said about why you looked so happy when I opened the door after you'd...after you'd kissed him, I didn't let you finish. I didn't let you explain." She pauses as if pained by the memory. "I didn't lie when I said I didn't need to hear your explanation. I didn't lie when I said I didn't want to hear it either. I really didn't. Because I knew why. If I'd just let myself think instead of feel, I knew why. I didn't need to hear it from you. My head tells me to trust you, that I could trust you but...it's just been easier to be angry. To feel disappointed. To embrace how my heart's been broken...yet again."
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry..." I practically whimper, unable to reign in the apologies I've been holding in.
"I know, baby. I know you are," she soothes, crushing me in her embrace even more.
"I love you, Dianna...only you. You're my life...and I so so love you but...but I hurt you and I...I don't know if you should...how you can forgive me."
My last words seem to cause something to snap in her and she lets me go only long enough to turn me towards her.
The arm underneath my head remains wrapped around my shoulder as with the other, she palms my face firmly and yet lovingly.
I finally see her face and the tears still staining her cheeks.
And her eyes.
They're finally looking at me.
With a look so soft, so warm, enveloping.
I take one look at her eyes as they look at me right now and all memory of her cold, hard stares are erased from my mind.
I mirror her movement and place one hand on her cheek, feeling the smooth softness my I've missed with my thumb.
"I can forgive you," she says softly. "I can because I love you." She brings her face closer, forehead meeting mine. "I've missed you so much those nights I haven't had you next to me." She lets her lips rest softly on mine and my eyes close as the sensation overwhelms me. "I need you," she whispers against my mouth.
"Not as much as I need you," I argue meekly, allowing one of my arms to wrap around her waist and the other to pull her head closer to mine. "I have missed you so so much." I press another kiss against her mouth, pulling away barely. "I could never survive without you."
She pulls me even tighter to her, breathing not even a concern as we crush our bodies tightly against the other. I bury my face in her neck, kissing the soft skin.
"You won't ever have to."
I hear her words whispered against my hair and I smile.
For the first time in days, I smile.
I smile as I think to myself...
Tonight, I'll get to sleep.